Not sure

I haven't posted here in months...
I don't know what's been going on lately. I'm been transforming into something alright, but I don't think it's positive. I don't want to say it's negative, but...I just don't know.
I feel like I'm falling further and further from God every day. It's getting harder and harder to get an image of a God. I know He's there, I know that. And I don't ever want to let that truth go. But He doesn't seem close. But that's my own fault. I'm getting into a new sort of lifestyle, a new way to cope. I'm not learning how to overcome my problems, I'm always just finding another way to cover them up, to distract myself. I'm getting to know all sorts of people now, but I'm completely ruining my life while building up this new one. I'm getting involved in a virtual world with all virtual acquaintances. But when the power goes out, they're gone. I don't know their names or faces, so what good is it?
Somehow I'm busy lately. Too busy for praying. It seems like needless repetition, repeating words without any actual effort. But that's my own fault. I'm what needs fixing here. I'm questioning everything. I don't know what if anything I believe anymore. I'm falling into this free-thinking liberal modern culture. It really sucks you in. I can't really say if it's good or bad. I have to learn how to hold onto myself though, how to hold onto God wherever life takes me.

I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD

The devil cannot defeat me!

People cannot disillusion me!

Weather cannot weary me!

Sickness cannot stop me!

Money cannot buy me!

Governments cannot silence me!

And hell cannot handle me!

I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD!

-the Bible presented by United Bible Societies

http://www.myfatherschild.net/

What's going on?

These past few days have been rough. I've been pretty depressed. No one's paying any attention to me. I can't demand any respect because I don't have any respect for myself and I don't know how one goes about attaining it. I feel like a failure at everything. I feel sad, abandoned, hopeless....
It's been a long month, a really long month.
This month I've gained so much and lost so much. Now it seems like it wasn't worth it at all. I feel empty.
Life feels like such a rut. It's the same schedule everyday. It really sucks the life out of you. "Soul-crushing" as Fish from The Rocker would say.
A critic of a speech I read said it was "so cynical I could hardly listen to it."
But I love that speech, it describes me. I'm cynical. I don't want to be, I just am. After years of being outcasted by everyone, you just become that way. It's certainly no fun. I certainly don't like it, but it's the way I've become and I don't know how to change.
I feel like I'm losing the purpose of life. Our purpose is to love and serve the Lord, to love and serve others. No one seems to live that way though. It's shuffling from one class to the next. Driving to work. Picking kids up. Dinner. Sleep. Start all over again. It's all just something to get through, to see the next day. But we're not putting anything worth putting in, into our lives. There's no passion. We're all so wrapped up in our own little world, concerned with ourselves. We're losing our purpose. God, help us to find our purpose once more.

What To Do Now

An important event has just happened in my life. I'm unable to see someone I love. There's nothing I can really do about it. It deeply saddens me, but there's no use letting it hold me down. All I can do now is live as I have before. Everything happens for a reason. God has been helping me all along with this issue. He brought me so far, and now I've hit a speed-bump. It seems unfair, but I think this is really just forcing me to be wise. I was getting a bit ahead of myself, losing my sense of morality in a way. I think that now I'll get back on track, I'll figure out my true emotions, and who I really am. I'll find out how dedicated I am, God's offering me another chance. He wants me to stay young longer, experience what's in the moment now. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. It'll be a rough few years ahead. They'll be up days and down. But God's going to be there through it all.
I find myself thinking "what now?". Well I need to reclaim myself. I can't let someone else have such a large impact on my life that I lose the sense of who I am. I need to find myself and find God. I need to live my life for God, as I should. Lately I've been distracted. Maybe this break is needed. I'm hoping I'll grow closer to God and learn to love Him and others in perfect harmony.

The Truth Everyone Should Know

Everyone should see this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDep-KMxXAE
Aaron Gillespie is one of my favorite musicians and is an inspiration to me. He's real, he's sinned, he gets it.
Today as I watched the video above, I heard what I needed to hear. I was reminded that this world isn't about me. I shouldn't just praise when something good happens, when something bad happens, but always, just became I am, just because God is. I have often felt empty with just praising for thanks and help, that's what I mentioned in the first entry of this blog. Praising God just because He Is, is the fullest way to pray. God, please help me to do so.
(it's of course not my video =P )

Reminder of Joy

Today at church the homily was to remind us that all true joy comes from God. I've been happy the last few days, but mostly due to another person. I'd just like to reflect that as much as I love this person, they'll never love me more than God does. They may let me down, but God never will. God brought them to me. He's the one who loved me first. I must never forget that.

Halloween 2011

These past few days have been very uncertain, and so are the days ahead. I've been recognizing how good I have it, but I always want more...I'm worried that if this truly happens, I'll throw away what I've been given for the risk of something better, but the something better will be something worse...I find myself worrying even though I know only time will tell...it's all whatever God desires.

So there is this boy that I'm fond of who I hadn't heard from in over a week. It's a challenge to hold a conversation with him, as it's never in person, and he's always disappearing and abandoning me. He causes me a lot of heartache, but I keep praying. I've never been as close to a boy as I have to this one. Today I felt like I was going to lose it if I didn't hear from him, and miraculously, he replied to me! But the conversation didn't get far, of course, but I know he's going through a rough time. I always embarrass myself a bit, trying to get him to come back after he disappears, but he does come back, and I always feel foolish for getting so worked up. I can't let myself blame myself though. I know that I can't just excuse all of his faults, but he's not perfect, and I always forgive him because I do care about him.
I don't see myself being with him the rest of my life, but he's important to me right now, and I know that God will help me through my difficulties with him. Also, I thank Him, I do thank Him for getting me this far and always proving me wrong, surprising me with His miracles.