Halloween 2011

These past few days have been very uncertain, and so are the days ahead. I've been recognizing how good I have it, but I always want more...I'm worried that if this truly happens, I'll throw away what I've been given for the risk of something better, but the something better will be something worse...I find myself worrying even though I know only time will tell...it's all whatever God desires.

So there is this boy that I'm fond of who I hadn't heard from in over a week. It's a challenge to hold a conversation with him, as it's never in person, and he's always disappearing and abandoning me. He causes me a lot of heartache, but I keep praying. I've never been as close to a boy as I have to this one. Today I felt like I was going to lose it if I didn't hear from him, and miraculously, he replied to me! But the conversation didn't get far, of course, but I know he's going through a rough time. I always embarrass myself a bit, trying to get him to come back after he disappears, but he does come back, and I always feel foolish for getting so worked up. I can't let myself blame myself though. I know that I can't just excuse all of his faults, but he's not perfect, and I always forgive him because I do care about him.
I don't see myself being with him the rest of my life, but he's important to me right now, and I know that God will help me through my difficulties with him. Also, I thank Him, I do thank Him for getting me this far and always proving me wrong, surprising me with His miracles.

Yet Another Homily

This is crazy. I was out in the country with my family, we were going to be late for church where we usually would go, but we saw a steeple and decided to see if there was a service that would work for our schedule. Amazingly enough, it was the type of church we were looking for, and the service would start in perfect timing.
We went in the side door and ended up at the very front of the church. My relative sat down in the front row in the church that we'd never even been to before. I can't recall having ever sat in the front pew at church before, so it was a new experience. It turned out to be quite the interesting church service. The priest was a young man. He spoke fervently and emphasized words, putting meaning into each one. That's rare. As time went on you noticed more and more how passionate this priest was. During the readings he would sit nodding in agreement with what the lector read. As he read the Gospel it was evident that he knew and firmly believed each word he read. It was inspiring. And then if you recall from my previous post, last week I heard an amazing homily. This week I heard yet another. This is crazy! God must really be trying to tell me something by sending all these amazing lessons my way!
This priest was amazing. He was animated, energetic, conservative, old school, current, and overall confident in everything he said. He talked like he was speaking to everyone in the room individually. He called certain things straight up evil. I admired him for this. It seems these days that everyone tries to defend everything. No one will let anything be completely blamed. I'm a fan over conservatism, so I did like this priest. He was straightforward. He told it like it was. He was honest. He didn't soften anything. And then he was true to positivity as well: Jesus loves us. Jesus forgives. You could tell he put thought into everything. He gestured. He didn't stand still. He made sure to capture everyone's attention. It's great to know that someone else out there gets it, that there's still hope in the world.

A Night Out

I was really stressed out this afternoon as I usually am in the afternoons, but more so than usual. On a Saturday afternoon I feel like the weekend's already over. But then today I had no work done, tomorrow I have rehearsal for the production I'm in, which basically takes up my whole afternoon and evening. I also really wanted to work on a new story I'm working on writing. My family decided to go to church tonight though at the Cathedral, where we only go once in a while. Going to the Cathedral never gets old. It's so massive, you can't help but feeling humbled. Surrounded by the towering granite blocks and statues of saints and angels, and standing under the domed ceiling, you feel so small and weak. It's a good feeling. I almost felt like shuddering thinking of how sinful and selfish I am and how God is so much larger and loving than we can even imagine. It's hard to describe exactly how one feels at a time like this. I felt an instant peace surge over me as I stood there in church. My faith hasn't been the strongest lately, but I know the cause is not lost when I feel that peace before God. I know He's there. It's lovely just being in His presence, listening to Latin chants and hymns, thinking about life. The priest's homily today was brilliant. I can't even recall hearing a homily that serious and well-written, before. It had to do with cynicism. Maybe it was particularly interesting to me, because if there's one word I'd use to describe myself, it would by cynical. Also, I appreciated the priest's seriousness. He was not trying to make the subject less grave than it is, like I feel a lot of priests and everyone in general does a lot, including me. We all try to make everything seems like it's not a big deal, when sometimes it really is. I'm grateful to God for providing me with the peace I needed.

In the Happy

I've noticed that when I'm happy, I praise God. I'm thankful. Sometimes it makes me feel rotten though. I feel like I'm only thanking Him in the good times, not all the times. We can never thank Him enough. But at any rate, I am happy that He has given me happiness at the moment.
I made it through an especially long day in fairly good health, as I've been sick for quite a few weeks now. Also I was able to play a song on my guitar well, which last week I was struggling with.
I was thinking earlier today about how God has created us all so uniquely, and what a gift that is, and how few of us choose to use our gift well. I often do not act as myself, which is one of my most difficult struggles in my life. If only we could embrace ourselves and God as God embraces us...